Impulse and Control

“You will go to the paper towns and you will never come back.”

Have you ever felt that sudden rush in your mind that urges you to just go? Leave everything you have, everyone you know, every single thing you have to do and just, leave. A quick walk around the neighbourhood, a early morning hike, or a flight-required getaway. The spontaneous need to just be alone in a strange environment burns holes in your heart when it appears out of nowhere. I’m sure everyone has felt it before. I’m not saying only people who are not satisfied with their current situation have that, I’m saying everyone, no matter how rich or poor or healthy or sick or old or young you are, sometimes you just need to go.

As a 19-year-old college student, I cannot do spontaneous trip to a strange place. But when I travelled, I wanted to stay there for as long as it felt right. I remember being in Paris when everything just felt in place, the air was chilly and the scenery was beautiful. I wanted to stay there, sitting on a bench staring down at La Seine and just, breathe in and out. You don’t care what you are going to do there or how you are going to stay. You want to stay in that exact moment because you know when you go home, you will never feel that same way again. Home is amazing, home is love. But nothing gives you more excitement and liberty when you are away from it, like a whole new adventure awaits for your participation.

But reality is a bitch, we all know that. Control is such a strong word, it sounds so harsh no matter how you pronounce the word. Every day we are trying to control ourselves or others. Most people think our lives need to be in “order” and that’s why we need to take control of our own lives. But what if I just love the way my life goes like a water on a stream? It keeps flowing down and down,sometimes it splashes on the rock, sometimes it joins other water on a bigger stream into a river. Once in a while, you may just hit a waterfall and jump.

I’m not saying control is stupid or impulse is bad. Impulse is a kind of instinct we all have but we are trying so hard to push it down as if nothing would affect us. We are not robots. Sometimes we need a little spark in our life to remind ourselves that life is meant to be different every day.

I miss the day when I’m on another continent with my friends, and the moments when I got to be alone. Don’t get me wrong. I love staying home. But that’s also why I need impulse. I love staying home and love having adventures. It’s a dilemma that tears me open every single time a decision needs to be made.

That’s why I love Margo in Paper Towns so much. She has the courage to just leave. I don’t.

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